Your facebook applications suck

Hey there buddy. I want to talk to you about all these applications you’ve been making and putting on the Facebook. This is going to be a difficult conversation, so take a seat.

I know you want to go viral like that goddamn werewolf/ zombie/ vampire/ coprophage army thing. But please. You have to offer value to me first. Then I will recommend you to my friends.

My daddy taught me never to be held hostage. I know the type of person I attract. It appears to be blond Londoners named Sam.  Lucky me!  But shame on you for playing on people’s insecurities!

I’d love to find out what type of disaster I am, but apparently the “skip” button is broken and I can only find out by inviting my friends.

Also, how sad is this got love application? I have to invite folks before it will tell me that I am loved for some randomly generated reason.  Kids, do we trust programmers that can’t master subject-verb agreement?

It’s ridiculous.   Why do they not give you anything for free unless you install the application and invite your friends?  Because these applications get access to your personal information, your friendlist, etc.  And then they sell them.  Shocked?  Here’s the thing: Facebook doesn’t host these applications.  All the hard work gets done on outside servers – paid for by the guy who wrote the application.   So the guy who is displaying pieces of flair for your Facebook page is also scraping out your friendlist and your contact info, anything you’ve allowed him access to.  And he’s selling it to his pals.  Once the info is on the market, you can’t get it back.

Moral of the story?  I like Facebook so that I can find out you had a kid or that your car was stolen, but I don’t want it to lead to you getting your identity stolen.  Be good out there.

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• Just kidding, nothing's related to this.